I do this sometimes and sometimes I think maybe it is not a good way to spend my time and others maybe it's ok... but sometimes I sit there and think about where I am, where I want to be, where I've been... and where I THOUGHT I would be. Needless to say, these things do not always add up. Some days I want to cry because I feel like my life is so "off track" and headed in 100 million directions at one time. Other days I feel blessed to be where I am, knowing that it could be worse and that it's really not all that bad at all. Still on other days I am just so thankful to come home to a wonderful husband, two sweet babies, and a roof over my head that nothing else could really matter. Today, however, is one of those days when I just want to cry. I feel defeated every now and then and, lately, it is much more frequently than it used to be. I hate that. I hate thinking that way and I hate feeling that way. I want to always be thankful and grateful and positive, but it just is not really possible. I have faith that God is with me and will continue to bless Jake and myself in ways we cannot even imagine.
Yesterday Jake and I had a talk about our future and how things will work out and all of that. I admire Jake's optimism. I know I must drive him nuts sometimes because I am almost always worried about jobs lately. I know I make him want to yell at me but he just smiles and reminds me that it will be ok and it's all going to work out. Jake truly is a wonderful man. I talked to Jake about that I know that we will most likely end up moving and chances are it will be somewhat far away. I talked to him about being nervous about moving to a new place. I am scared to death of that! I know it will all be fine and that God would not move us to a place where we will be miserable. I am just so nervous about leaving everything I have ever know and moving somewhere new. On one hand I am somewhat excited, but the nervousness overpowers that greatly.
Eventually... and hopefully sooner rather than later... things will work out. We will find jobs. We will move. We will be happy and healthy. Things will be ok. One of my friends reminded me that things will happen in time... but it is God's time and not ours. That makes it hard sometimes, but I trust God to see me through this. He will not leave me. I know that for sure.